petulant.

Monday, 27 May 2013 @ 03:52 0 stares

Someday I'll connect the dots and unveil the picture that's unseeable to us now.

I wonder what it would be like to be able to see everything going on in a city but not be a part of it. Just a bystander. The love, the hate, crimes, murder, good deeds, trivial gossip, amusing things, the things that go unseen, myths, emotions, dreams coming to life.
Chaos, chaos, all chaos and yet it all together it forms a strange kind of harmony.

I'm not shocked or scared. I actually couldn't care what happened to me, I guess I'd go if you wanted to kick me out. I just feel sad.
I guess yeah there's something wrong with me.
And I know you don't care.
I know I've made you hate me I guess.
I just too tired to respond to you anymore.
To the trivial things that I feel aren't important, like table manners or sitting upright in a chair or all those stupid things I get yelled at for.
I feel like a robot. All I got to do is study and get good marks, because by the end of this you guys will be happy.
But will I? Am I? Is that what I want? I know it will be for my own good, in your words, beneficial in the long run.
Perhaps I would be happier giving up my life to volunteer service or something and not having anything grand, just some place small and tiny. Perhaps I would be happier having nothing but being free.
How free it would be to not have a care in the world.

What am I worth? Nothing
How much am I needed? Not at all
What will I ever amount to? Nothing

I can't seem to fucking do anything right or achieve anything I really want to. Who am I even?
I hope I die soon. I don't know why the fuck I even bother with anything anymore.
I understand why you don't want me. I just too tired these days to do anything and you're right I'm self absorbed and lazy.
I just feel like shit and I can't do anything more except keep myself together.

From now on, I want to try my best to make other people happy. And maybe it will make me happy to see them happy.

I dreamt that I was at a school, where there was a clock chiming and it was a cold overcast day. It wasn't my school, it was a school for little children. I remember I was giving seeds, and a spade, to dig into the dirt and to plant flowers. I went to a garden plot, with a musky, thick, sickly-sweet stench. I remember I dug and dug and the smell got stronger... and there was a mangled body, of rotting flesh, blood and bone. And looked around me and all the children were gone and suddenly everything was plots and plots and bodies everywhere and the smell was overwhelming and I wanted to throw up.

I think I had a panic attack yesterday. I'm sorry I called you while crying. I can't talk to anyone here.
I'm okay now I guess, I just feel kind of numb, kind of disgusted.

Sometimes you can repeat a lie to yourself to many times, it erases the truth and you believe it yourself.
I wish we could wish for something hard enough for it to come true.

there's weight on my heart
and no matter how much i sigh
it just won't go away
i want to lie here and sleep
seeing the blurred faces and voices
that float in and out through my dreams
but even then there is a restlessness
and a tinge of fear

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