today was c's birthday, so we all went to the city to celebrate. even though we all had a major sac tomorrow, it was the first day of the holidays so we really just wanted to have fun. it really was a great time, we did what a bunch of teenage girls would usually do, buy way too much bubble tea and food, gasp over cute stationary and jewellery, go into stores and try on different items and laugh at each other being ridiculous. we sat on the train and chatted about what we were going to, played intense five way rock paper scissor games, laughing way a bit too loudly in a small public space with James collapsing into giggles that result in fits of hiccups and generally attracting the amused attention of all other passengers in the carriage as they observed our antics. we didn't really care, we were having to much fun. i think it was the happiest i've felt in a long time, just to be purely happy in the company of someone else, with nothing to interfere. i felt like i could be crazy and i like i belonged. i kind of felt free just for a bit.
but in the end, guilt gets the better of you. i'm always tied down, every moment like this i feel like i spend deviating from the chosen path, from doing the right thing. i'm sick of guilt and worry following everywhere. how can i trust myself when people won't trust me. how can i succeed when you don't have the faith in me. i know im a bit too idealistic but it doesn't mean i can't achieve things, i just wanted to try.
i'm so empty
but i make my personality louder to compensate
i smile bigger
and give out more affection and time for others
but i just can't cover up the fact there feels like there is
just a gaping void inside me
when im sitting here alone
i can feel it hovering
just threatening to swallow me up
and im scared one day
it will