"Are you okay?"
I am at loss as to what to say,
And can only smile,
And reply with "I'm fine."
Perhaps at that moment,
I do feel okay,
As I routinely detach,
My head from my heart,
In the presence of others.
But numbness is the best pretense,
The closest I can ever come
To being 'okay.'
If I were honest,
I am far from fine,
But how can I voice the thoughts,
That plague me everyday.
Or put into words,
The overwhelming misery and loneliness,
That crushes me,
And destroys me from the inside.
How can I say out loud,
The names of the beasts that tear at my heart,
The reasons that I cry myself to sleep every night,
When I barely know myself.
Knowing you would only misunderstand,
Distance me from your fear,
Shrink disgusted by my weakness.
Every moment I am here,
The worse these feelings get,
And the harder they are to surpress.
Sleep is my only escape,
From all the madness,
This incessant restlessness.
But even in my dreams,
Peace continues to elude me.
Ceaseless repetitions of either fleeing,
Or searching for something precious lost,
Which of these fears are greater,
I cannot say.
But the most painful dreams of all,
Are those where I find myself,
Once again,
In the presence of those that were once dear,
But soon grew tired and departed.