Saturday, 30 March 2013 @ 02:26 0 stares
I found out, that perhaps I'm not the only one... the only one who thinks and feels such things. We started talking about what we wanted to do later in life and I asked her a question. It was, " Do you ever feel like your fate is set?" Surprisingly, she replied with yes, so I decided to tell her, that sometimes I felt so trapped because I could just see how my life was going to go, because I was such a coward, I would never do anything special or reckless in fear of the consequences and that I had no motivation because I didn't know what were my goals anymore. She understood it, the pressures of growing up with this kind of racial family background and our parents being first generation immigrants and working so hard to make a life for us, we have to repay them. We were both molded from a young age, and made to work hard. And that's why, I don't know what I really want at all, I don't know if my goals are my goals, or if they are just the ones my parents have placed on me. After all, I've always done what they've wanted me to.
Another thing we agreed on was that we really wanted to take a gap year after high school was finished, and just go travelling all over the world. But of course, we couldn't because our parents expected us to go to university straight away and get a job. We both are mature enough to know that we do indeed owe them a lot, and we can't bear to disappoint them. But that fact acts to the pull, to the wanderlust. Knowing what we want, but it's something that we might not ever really have. I think I wanted to cry at that point. I didn't look at her. I told her another thing, how I just wanted to run off into the bushland surrounding us right now. Just live there, and not come out. I was starting to feel scared that she would think I needed help or something and was really messed up, which I kind of am, but she said she was the same. She told me her father ran a karaoke bar and her mother a fish and chip shop and she never ever really travelled or had fun. She didn't have siblings so often she had to play by herself or help out at her mother's shop. Nobody really liked her at school either. She said she didn't really have many friends and she was afraid of losing people. I haven't heard "let's be friends" said it loud. The fact that she said it out loud made me feel... more secure, than I've felt before with friendships. It's as if I could never believe that someone liked me without them saying that I was a friend. I was afraid that they didn't, that they were just pretending.
At different points down the track, we would point out pretty natural features and landscapes to each other and joked a lot that we should run away together. And I really did want to, and I think she wanted to too.. but the consequences stopped us. I told her I think I would be happy if I for once just let go off anything and did reckless things at whims. I explained to her too, that it's not like I didn't love my parents, or everything else I had back at home... and she finished my sentence for me. Sometimes, this inexplicable feeling just overpowers you.
I think I asked her some other things... those sort of topics you always end up wondering about at night.
I didn't say much after that, but I was so tempted to just let it all loose, tell her how empty and lost and sad I felt. But I didn't. I think we caught up to another girl along the track. This girl was extremely religious, and having discarded my upbringing in a catholic primary school, I was interested to know what she thought about things. I wonder if it was mean of me to .. almost interrogate her I guess. I asked her if she believed there was a heaven after death and as expected she answered yes. I asked her what heaven was like and she replied that she didn't really know, but she thought it was cloudy, and nice. I asked her what people do there, and I think she was kind of confused but she replied with, they probably hung out with god and angels and stuff. Usually I would have laughed at that kind of answer, but I didn't want to hurt her and she sounded so sincere. She then told me that she was sorry, she didn't really know the answers to my questions but she knew that I was definitely going to heaven.
I felt kind of warm at that. I told her I was flattered. I didn't tell her though by bible standards, I'm probably not going to heaven anyway. Going to hell for being able to love... I wonder what she would have said to that.
I just believe... we all die equal... there is no heaven or hell... I mean.. if we were supposed to pray for the sinners... why does nobody... ever pray for Satan? Anyway, to me both heaven and hell sound absolutely ridiculous, just another system to make us do the right thing. I think humans should be able to be moral... without the 'threat' of going to hell.
... Anyway... I wonder if she remembers all this even happened, those few moments of ... closeness I guess. I remember Fo said to me the other day... that I did belong somewhere. I just belonged to that group of people in the world, who thought a lot and felt differently. I was glad... that I seemed to meet someone like that in real life. The wondering... questioning... and hyperawareness of everything...and at the same time.. so much distance and bouts of numbness