I was trying to stay motivated and satisfied, but the more I contemplate things, the harder it gets. I know I'm doing the things I should be, achieving the things I should, doing the things I love and being happy and now and then I just sit down and do nothing because I feel like fucking shit and I'm overcome with self loathing. I have no idea who I am and what I'm going to do with myself. I feel like I've come a full circle, revisiting all the things I thought I'd already moved past and succumbing to all the old thoughts I used to have. How meaningful is progress if everything is just a cycle?

I thought I could do this, but recently I've just become more fed up with everything. I'm afraid I could crack under the pressure at any second, but I know I can't, because expectations are higher than ever and I need to put in more than I've ever done before. I'm struggling and I'm scared I've already given up subconsciously again since I'm so easily distracted by stupid shit. It's almost like I want to see myself fail or see how close I can get to failing because the only way I'll be free is giving up everything. I'm unhappy with everything, with life, with people, with myself. I get caught up on the small things now, obsessing over my height, my appearance, unreplied text messages, my friends choosing each other over me. I'm not sure how long I can do this for.